


Can't Say We're In Love

by Cody_Thomas



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Assumed Relationship, Bilbo is shy, Dwalin is a badass softie, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Kink Meme, M/M, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Romance, Romantic Fluff, fake relationship breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 23:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3187676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cody_Thomas/pseuds/Cody_Thomas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has thought Bilbo and Thorin have been together for years now. They're not. They're just friends, close friends yes, but it's never been anything more. But no one believes them. This is even more aggravating due to the fact they each are in love with someone else, who won't even consider getting between them. It's time for drastic measures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Original Prompt was Thorin and Bilbo aren't together. They're friends. Extremely close friends. But not together. However, everyone thinks they are. a reply said seconding this, especially if they're both in love with someone else.
> 
> And the Bunny was born.
> 
> Original post can be found here: http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/13429.html?thread=24822645#t24822645

Bilbo slammed the door and stormed over to the fire. He needed tea. He needed tea right NOW or he was going to kill a dwarf, maybe several dwarves.

"Bad day?" He heard in a worried but chuckling tone from over near the hearth fire. He hadn't even realized that Thorin had let himself in again. He really was out of sorts.

"Bofur suggested that I should buy a certain outfit, if it can even be called that, while we were shopping today. When I asked him why, he told me the color would bring out my eyes, and would look quite flattering on me, then proceeded to mention that you probably wouldn't be able to wait to tear it off of me with your teeth if I wore it for you. I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life!"

"Are you alright?" Thorin asked, and the concern was real. Thorin stood up and came over, arms open, and though Bilbo disliked how emotional he got over the most ridiculous of things sometimes, he accepted the friendly embrace for what it was, and the comfort that came with it. 

"I'm fine. I think the fact that I got my hopes up for a split second is what made it hurt all the more a moment later. That and the fact I still can't pry my tongue into even trying to tell him the truth. Are you staying for dinner?" He asked, pulling away and beginning to pull out the ingredients for a nice potato, cheese, and broccoli casserole.

"I already ate, you had that leftover chicken stew in the larder. It was very good. Oh and the biscuits with the rest of the tomato gravy, and a few slices of ham, and a small wedge of cheese. I've been hiding out here for most of the day." 

"Why on earth would you need to hide out here when you own the whole mountain? Are you king under the mountain or aren't you?"

"It's the last place Dwalin and Balin would look for me, and the absolute last place they would ever think about disturbing me. I think Nori suspects, he caught me staring a few times too many at dinner last night."

"And yet you got away with all of your bits attached, no poison needles or dagger wounds that I can see. Does that make it a success? Maybe he approves." Bilbo said with a smile, setting out the tea service and heating the teapot.

"I doubt it. He and Dori want Ori to stay well away from politics, they'll never approve such a match. Besides, Ori would never think of me that way, still calls me 'your majesty' no matter how many times I have begged him to continue calling me Thorin, like he did during the quest. Everything changed after Erebor was reclaimed and I was crowned, he views me differently now. He only sees me as a king, instead of as a friend. I hate it."

"But Ori is of age, surely he can make his own choice. And Dori and Nori have always been very fond of you." Bilbo consoled, pouring the milk and sugar, then the tea atop it, before handing Thorin his cup.

Thorin sighed and sank deep into the comforting armchair again before accepting the dainty cup. "They approve of me as a leader, not as a possible match for their beloved baby brother, and besides, that's not how royal marriages work. Technically Ori can't refuse his king's request without worrying about reprisal, even if I would never do such a thing. So I must have his family's approval and acceptance of the match, or it would be seen as coercion. I'd chuck the crown right now if it meant I would have a chance with him."

"If you chuck the crown it will land on either Fili or Kili's heads, and though I love those boys dearly, those two knuckleheads are nowhere near ready to lead this place. So I'm afraid it must simply stay on your royally majestic and magnanimous head for the time being."

"Be nice or I'll name you regent, abdicate, and make YOU wear the crown until the boys are fit to lead. Maybe your new shiny would catch Bofur's eye then. Or you can always bribe him like I did, he came on the quest solely for the promise of free beer. Getting him to bed you shouldn't be that much of a challenge."

"They are all still convinced we're together. How can Bofur even think about making a move towards me or think I'd be making a move towards him if he thinks that YOU are standing in the way?" Bilbo huffed, putting the casserole dish in the oven and refilling their teacups before sitting across from Thorin in the other armchair.

"And I'm sick of it Bilbo! We've kept our distance from each other, mostly only appearing together at group meetings or on official business for the past six months, and it's done nothing! I'm tired of sneaking around my own mountain to see you! You're my friend, spending time with you should not be that much of an issue, and when are we even supposed to have time for this elicit affair they are all dreaming of us having?"

"I don't know, and it doesn't matter. What does matter is the rumor mill, and I'd rather not have another arrow fired at me because the people do not approve of a 'foreign usurper seducing their king' when I haven't even touched him! Much as I love the company and Erebor, I'd rather return to the Shire than deal with such nonsense. Perhaps what we need is to have a very public breakup?"

"That could work, what kind of breakup? I don't think I could pretend to be angry at you again, too many bad memories. And what would I even be angry at you for? Cheating on me? I could never pull that off with a straight face. And besides, I still want to be friends with you. In public. Without all of this sneaking about nonsense." 

"We'll just have to make it a mutual parting of ways then. Because I highly doubt that I could pull off a sorrowful breakup with you with a straight face either." Bilbo said in all seriousness. 

"What? But if you were crying you could have Bofur console you, or commiserate with Ori, maybe put in a good word for me!"

"If we had a devastating breakup, the last thing I would turn around and do is tell their future love interest how great of a guy he is! And besides, I couldn't take advantage of Bofur like that, I'll not start something with him under false pretenses or lies. It's wrong."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"How about a Handparting, in the main throne room? If we did it during open court there would be lots of witnesses, it will all be very civil."

"A what?"

"Handparting. Do dwarves not do such things? It's what we hobbits do when two people realize that they have come to a crossroads and wish to go no further together, or if a relationship is just no longer feasible. The couple separates amicably before it destroys everything good between them, so they can still remain close friends without it ever being an issue."

"Can't say that we do have such a thing, but it seems like it would be a fine solution to our problem."

"There's just one problem Thorin."

"And what's that?"

"During the ceremony, the couple kisses each other to prove that passionate love is no longer between them, and then they kiss goodbye before wishing the other blessings with whomever they love next."

"Wait, I'd have to kiss you?"

"Gently, and with great affection." Bilbo said with a smirk.

Thorin looked ill. "Oh Mahal."

"Exactly, we couldn't do it without wincing, gagging, or laughing. So if that's the way we want to do things, we'll have to practice it before hand."

Thorin groaned and put his head in his hands. "I can't believe we've been reduced to this. Or that I have to practice kissing you so we can have a fake breakup, from our non-existant relationship, so that the people we love will stop worrying that they are getting between us."

"Believe it, our lives are ridiculous. And I want this mess over with. Let's start now, the casserole won't be done for another forty minutes anyway."

"Start what?"

"Kissing, you fool. We've got the time now, might as well attempt to get through it without gagging or laughing or refusing to go through with it."

Thorin's eyes went wide. "I. Uh- right, of course you're right. Mahal this is awkward." 

It took them five minutes of false starts and turned heads and cheek pecks, then bumped foreheads and smooshed noses and general awkwardness, before they both managed to screw up their courage, close their eyes and just go for it. It wasn't grossly unpleasant like they had worried. In fact it didn't feel like much of anything at all, just warm skin pressed to to warm skin, no deeper meaning behind it, and not much different than kissing a family member in greeting or farewell. Once they realized there wasn't going to be a deep, dramatic, world view changing of perception, it got easier.

Within half an hour it had devolved into silliness and hilarity, as it often did with them, Thorin going so far as to dip Bilbo dramatically off his feet and ask "Does this count as 'gently and with great affection'?" Before laying one on Bilbo that had the hobbit laughing and holding on to Thorin's tunic just to keep his balance as he pulled away.

"No you clumsy oaf it does not! Who in the world taught you how to kiss? Now let go of me before dinner burns!"

"But Bilbo! I simply must get it right! Let's try it again!"

"No! Gah! Thorin your beard tickles!" Bilbo shrieked as kiss after kiss landed on his face.

Neither one of them heard the knock at the door, or the opening of it afterward, but they both heard the tiny gasp and turned to see Ori standing there in his overly large cardigan, three books clutched to his chest. He, like all of the company members, had been invited to not even bother knocking on Bilbo's door, that they were always and forever welcome in his rooms at anytime. And this was one moment that Bilbo wished he had never offered such a thing, because Ori looked mortified and possibly even a little hurt.

"Ori!" Cried Thorin, and very nearly dropped Bilbo, who luckily had managed to get his feet under himself again, and immediately made his way over to the young scribe before he could spook and dash out the door.

"Ori my dear lad, lovely to see you. You're just in time for dinner." Bilbo stated matter-of-factly and steered Ori straight inside and into a chair at the kitchen table before Ori could even remember to protest. It was also where he knew the dwarf wouldn't dare to move from without knowing for sure it couldn't be perceived as rude. Bilbo poured him a cup of tea and set the biscuits down before going to take the casserole out of the oven. Thorin tried very hard to compose himself, but was a fidgety mess until Bilbo steered him into his own seat beside Ori and refreshed his tea too.

"I um, I'm sorry to disturb you, it's just- I- I found a treatise between the Dwarves of Erebor, and a group known to them as 'The wee ones' who roamed and wandered the area for over a hundred years. I remember what you'd said about the Hobbits wandering days and I thought it would interest you."

"Oh it does, I can't wait to read it, and you aren't disturbing a single thing. You've begun exploring the legal documents then?"

"A-and the histories. We lucked out that Smaug didn't find the library to be worthy of ransacking or burning."

Thorin was silent throughout dinner, and only Bilbo could tell that the dwarf king was feeling miserable over what Ori had seen, and what he must now be thinking.

"Thorin, pour us some brandy, Ori, let me clear these away and you show me that treatise." The dishes were soaking before either one of them could contest it, and the leftovers set on a plate and wrapped in a cloth for Ori to take with him to his brothers later on. Gradually the last of the tension fled as they browsed the documents together, and Thorin even chimed in a time or two. Bilbo made it as pleasant of an evening as possible and considered it a success that Thorin and Ori talked to just each other for ten whole minutes on their own. 

Once the evening wore down, Bilbo hugged Thorin and Ori at the door, as was his custom, and they instinctively turned and hugged each other without thinking about it. Thorin realized it only a split second before Ori did, the king under the mountain giving the hobbit a confused look as if to ask how he had managed to do that. 

Once Ori had left, Thorin slowly let his head fall against the door frame. "Of all the ones to see that... I want this over with Bilbo. Please."

"I'll write out the ceremony tomorrow, we can do it as soon as you have it memorized and we have someone willing to officiate, and at least three people to witness it."

"Every last one of the company members is going to be there, even if I have to order them there officially."

"Drama king."

“Burglar.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was five days later and they had run through the ritual twice a day, just to make sure they had their parts down.

“I've asked Balin to officiate, needless to say he was surprised when he read what I was asking of him.” Thorin chuckled, pouring the both of them a generous glass of wine. “By this time tomorrow you and I shall officially, no longer be together.”

“Except as friends.” Bilbo stated, raising his glass.

“Except as friends.” Thorin agreed, and they toasted to the foreseeable end of a situation they still had no idea how it had come about in the first place. Bilbo insisted it was probably when he'd faced down Azog, and how Thorin embraced him afterwards. Thorin was convinced it had been on the battlefield, when he thought he was dying, and was making his peace with Bilbo, and Bilbo had kissed his brow and wept inconsolably. 

It's true they had become closer after the battle, but neither of them knew what had put the idea of a romantic relationship between them into the company member's heads, or how it had then spread to the dwarves of the Iron Hills and then to those who decided to settle the mountain. They hadn't been able to convince anyone of the truth no matter how often they had denied that there was anything between them except a deep friendship and an unwavering loyalty to each other. But it wasn't romance, it never had been, so it was time to put the rumors to bed for good.

Balin didn't understand it when Bilbo waited for his turn in open court like everyone else, when it was all but an unwritten law that the company had preferential treatment if they had an issue to discuss, and no one minded it because they were the heroes of Erebor, and had been all but promoted to royals themselves. As it was they were all landed nobles now, and each officially had the title of 'Lord' before their names. 

Within the first hour most of the company had arrived, after another twenty minutes the rest had shown up. Many had small smirks on their faces, thinking that Bilbo was probably going to make his declaration towards Thorin public. After all, they had all heard from Ori how he had caught the two of them kissing the other night. It was the first actual proof they had that the two were actually together, no matter how hard they had tried to hide it. The love they held for each other was apparent to all.

Once Thorin saw the rest of the company, he skimmed his roster. Technically there were still ten people ahead of Bilbo, but Thorin wanted this over with. He signaled his herald and whispered in his ear.

“Lord Bilbo Baggins of the Shire!” The Herald called, and smacked his rod down on the block. 

Bilbo came forward and bowed as a friend. “Your majesty, we have business to conclude.”

“Indeed we do. Are the witnesses and officiant ready?”

“They are, Your Majesty.”

“Then let us begin.” He said and stood up and descended from his throne.

“Bring the table.” Bilbo said to two of the servants off to the side, who immediately fetched a table and the tray upon it bearing wine, three porcelain cups, a braided cord, a bowl of sand, two empty bowls, a pouch of coins, two empty pouches, three candles, and a knife. 

The entire assembly was atwitter, were the two of them going to be married this very moment, a hobbit all but eloping with their king? If any of them had seen Balin's face it would have put paid to that notion. Bilbo and Thorin clasped hands, Bilbo's right to Thorin's left, and Balin tied them together with the cord, then lit the center candle.

“You both had something you wanted to say.” Balin said gently, trying to keep the unhappiness from his voice, but he didn't like being wrong.

“Thorin Oakenshield, I'd like your express permission to end our romantic relationship immediately.” Bilbo stated bluntly and loud enough that he could hear the gasps of surprise from the furthest reaches of the hall.

“You have it, Bilbo Baggins, though I would like to part amicably, for you are one of my dearest friends.”

“I wish the same, for I hold you in the highest respect.”

They split the sand into the two bowls and each drew an intersecting line with it on the floor, to represent a crossroads.

“We have come to a crossroads, you and I, and what was once one road that we traveled together, has now become two again, and we each have different ways to go, and paths that we must follow. We have gone as far as we can together, so here at the crossroads, let us part as friends.”

“I agree.” Thorin raised the glass of wine. “It is time to part ways, for we no longer find joy in the same things, our happiness lies in separate directions, so let us each take our happy memories with us, and leave any unhappiness here at the crossroads, where it can not taint the joys we shared together, and we can always remember the other fondly.” He passed the cup to Balin, who poured half into each of the other two goblets and they each drank the cup that was given to them, then smashed the cups on the ground.

“Now what we had can never be taken from us, but neither can it ever be joined again, and there are no more happiness's to be shared together in such a way.” They stated in unison, and together they took the cup from Balin and also smashed it to pieces on the ground. “May you be blessed in new happiness, wherever you may find it.” They said to each other.

Bilbo took up the pouch of coins. “As we are parting ways, we will not be sharing one roof. Let us each take an equal share, so that we both have enough to sustain us on the road ahead without trouble, and know that we leave on even ground, with no cause for feeling slighted.”

He passed the pouch to Balin, who carefully counted out the coins evenly into each pouch, except for the single silver coin that had no match. Thorin handed a filled pouch to Bilbo, keeping the other for himself, then Thorin took the silver coin that Balin still held.

“Let us not fight over something so petty. Since we cannot split it evenly, instead let us leave this coin here, as a testament to the wealth we shared together and now will spend with others. Perhaps this simple gift shall change another person's fortunes for the better, as ours were.”

They placed the coin back into the first pouch and left it on the table. “May you be blessed in wealth and prosperity wherever your path may lead you.” They said as one with a smile.

Next Thorin drew Bilbo close and tilted his chin up before kissing him gently. Everyone saw that Bilbo had kissed him in return and many felt the smallest fluttering of hope. Until Thorin and Bilbo both pulled back, smiled gently at each other and shook their heads.

“There is no passion between us.” Bilbo stated matter-of-factly.

“No, merely affection and friendship, and we should not try to force our feelings for each other to be something that they are not. It would only hurt what we have together.” Thorin replied wisely.

“I agree.”

They each took one of the unlit candles and set the ends into the flame. 

“One flame becomes two once more, to light our way and warm our hearts, with whomever we love next. And even though no longer together, not diminished in any way.” Bilbo said gently,

“I shall take my passion, and you shall take yours, for this flame has burned out.” Thorin said as he snuffed the main candle.

They both turned to Balin, and handed him the knife.

“If there is anything left unsaid between you, any grievance that has not yet been resolved, speak it now so it cannot fester and damage your friendship in future.”

“Thorin, I hate dwarven ale, it's too bitter for my taste. I only ever drank it out of politeness for you.”

“Bilbo, I used your precious footbrush for my beard when I couldn't find my comb.”

“Thorin, I have no plans on returning that tunic I borrowed, it's far too comfortable.”

“It wasn't mine, it was Frerin's, and you are welcome to it.”

“Thorin, I've never been unfaithful to you, but I'm in love with someone else.” The gasps heard through the hall was overwhelming, and the murmurs sprang up immediately.

“I know, Bilbo. I have known for a long time, and I have never had reason or cause to distrust your loyalty or honor, nor do I now. My only hope is that they love you in return, and realize what a remarkably special person you are.”

“I wish the same for you Thorin, that you find someone who is perfect for you, and that you are happy forever.” 

“And on the day that we find them, they needn't worry about jealousy from either of us, for we both honor and respect the other too much for such things.”

“Agreed.” Bilbo said, and presented their bound wrists to Balin. 

Balin took the knife and cut the cord, freeing them. “Then I declare you Handparted, go your separate ways in peace and with honor, respect, and friendship between you.”

They kissed each other on the cheek, as friends.

“Goodbye Thorin.”

“Goodbye Bilbo.” Thorin grinned, turned around and ascended to his throne again. “Alright herald, who is next?” He asked as the servants once again had come forward to clean up the area, and Bilbo and Balin bowed to excuse themselves.


	3. Chapter 3

Needless to say the story had spread like wildfire. By dinner it was doubtful there was an entity in the mountain who had not heard of Bilbo and Thorin breaking it off, or that the very likely reason for it was because Bilbo was in love with someone else. But even though everyone watched and waited, Bilbo's routine and the company he kept changed little if at all in the day to day, and no one had come forward or been spotted as Bilbo Baggin's lover. Over a month passed, and there was nothing, then two, and finally three. By that time the story had died down, for obviously whoever it was did not remotely feel the same way. Or so everyone thought.

 

A month and a day after his breakup with Thorin, Bilbo had gone shopping, and bought rather more than he usually did, he even considered buying a rather risque outfit on the sly, along with the regular clothes he purchased that day. He'd invested in three kegs of fine ale, several bottles of wine, and six jugs of the best whiskey. He also had a bottle of Gamgee's moonshine, that had been sent over along with his last delivery from the shire, whom he kept in regular contact with. 

He had tried being proper, but Bofur was just not catching the clue. So perhaps he would buy that outfit, get him drunk, kiss him, and show him the outfit and pray it worked. And if that didn't work, he didn't know what might, or if he could really bear to be anymore improper than that, if he could even manage to be that improper at all.

Several hours later Bofur was stuffed full of the delicious meal Bilbo had served the whole company, five whole courses, in celebration of Bombur's birthday. Bofur was now happily sipping on his after dinner wine, that had come from Bilbo's own vineyard.

“Ach Bilbo, this was lovely, so lovely I could kiss you.”

“Go ahead.” Bilbo replied without thinking. His brain caught up with his mouth about half a beat later and he felt himself turn crimson all the way down to his collar at least, possibly his toes. He also noted that he hadn't been the only one to hear it. The table went silent, and Bilbo was stubbornly not looking at anyone anymore, instead he began gathering dishes, as fast as he could. 

He missed Thorin leaning over and murmuring to Bofur “He meant it, and you have about ten seconds before he bolts out that door if you want to do something about it.”

Bilbo had to stay busy, he had to get away, now, couldn't afford to look up, couldn't bear to see. It didn't work, he heard a chair scoot back, right before he would have bolted, it was either Thorin or Bofur, Thorin would know where to find him, Bofur wouldn't, he could take that chance, he could, he- he was too slow. Bofur caught up to him, tugged him around lightly, pressed him into a corner for some semblance of privacy, and gave him no choice but to look up right before Bofur smirked and kissed him. 

Bilbo was left floundering for a few moments before his brain and the rest of his body caught on and his fingers latched onto Bofur's tunic, and he started kissing Bofur back, eagerly, and Bofur happily proved that he had no problems with public displays of affection. Once they pulled back, Bilbo was searching Bofur's face, and was trying to say what he was feeling, but it wasn't really working. “I-, I-, um, I-”

Bofur silenced him with another kiss and Bilbo melted into it, and for some reason felt like crying, so he wrapped his arms around Bofur's neck and held on tight, refusing to let him go now that he finally had him, even if he couldn't really say anything at the moment, he didn't want to, kissing was much better.

“You trying to tell me I'm the one you're in love with?” Bofur murmured quietly after the kiss ended. Bilbo nodded, grateful that Bofur understood. “You want more?” Bilbo nodded again. “How much more?” 

Oh that was a dangerously loaded question, and Bilbo had no idea of the answer. “Um I-” He was shaking, why was he shaking?

“It's alright, we'll work it out. Will you always be this quiet?”

“I should think not!” Bilbo chided, and Bofur laughed.

“That's good to know, I've always liked your spirit. Besides, I want to hear just how much you like it.” He murmured with a wickedly arousing tone right in Bilbo's ear. Bilbo felt himself blush again. And then Bofur picked him up and tossed him over his shoulder, and his only saving grace was that he couldn't see anyone as Bofur called out to the rest of the company: “Right boys, finish cleaning up for Bilbo will you? We have some things to talk about. Happy birthday Bom!”

And as Bofur walked him out the door like a sack of potatoes and thankfully towards Bilbo's own bedroom, he caught sight of Thorin raising his glass in salute, and feeling rather wicked himself, Bilbo smacked Bofur's bottom in retaliation, after all, it was right there. Thorin and the rest started laughing, and surprisingly Bilbo was beginning to feel better about the whole thing.

It wasn't a once off or a twice off, in fact the more time they spent together the closer they became. Bofur was now the only member of the company besides Thorin to know that Bilbo had still been a virgin until that night, and also, the first to figure out that Bilbo and Thorin had never been together in the first place. 

Even though they had been with each other awhile now, Bofur still couldn't understand it, why Bilbo wanted him and not Thorin, how Bilbo had fallen for him instead of for the King. They had seemed made for each other, once they were on the same page, they had become an inseparable team, balancing each other out, one's strengths was the others' weaknesses, and they worked in harmony like a well oiled machine to restore Erebor. They were so close and well matched, none of the company would have been surprised if they had heard that Bilbo and Thorin had gotten married at any time, or found out that they had already been married on the sly.

“Why didn't you choose Thorin?” He couldn't help but ask one night.

“Once we found common ground we became essential to each other because we were so well matched, but we're essential in the way that an arm or a leg is essential. We balance each other, and make life easier and better for each other. But you can live without an arm or a leg, even if it is extremely difficult at first. Thorin is a part of me, all of the company is, but to fall in love with him, would be like falling in love with my mirrored image. We're too alike, and at the same time, too opposite to ever fall in love with each other.” Bilbo said with kind patience as he and Bofur rested in bed one night, and Bofur was content to let it rest for the moment. A week later he finally asked what Bilbo saw in him, out of everyone.

Bilbo smiled at him. “I was never invisible to you, even from day one when I forgot my handkerchief. You saw me, treated me like I was there, not like I was a burden, even when I was. You were the only one besides Gandalf who even talked to me for the first week. How could I not see you in return? You were patient with Bifur, and playful with Bombur, and you included me, even when no one else would. 

I thought for the longest time that I just wanted to be friends, but as time passed and the rest of the company gradually warmed up to me, I realized that you were still standing out from the rest. You were loud and boisterous, crude, and had the worst taste in jokes, but they had me laughing anyway. When I was ready to give up and go back to Rivendell, you sounding like you would be losing someone precious if I went is what had convinced me to stay, even before the goblin trap. Everyone says we won Erebor back because of me, but the truth of it is that the reason I stayed on the quest at all was because of you, so really, you're the one everyone should be thanking.”

Bofur blushed and kissed Bilbo. “It still doesn't explain how you fell in love with me.”

“I don't know how, or when. I can't look back and say 'there, right there is when I fell for him'. It was so gradual, I didn't even notice I had at first. But it was before the Battle, because afterwards, with thirteen of my precious friends scattered across those blood soaked fields somewhere, Thorin all but on his death bead, and we thought Fili and Kili already lost to us, the relief I felt at finding you all one by one was palpable. But when they brought in your cot, and you were swearing yourself blue from the pain, it felt like I could breathe again. I could breathe even though three at least were probably dead, and half of the company was still unaccounted for. Knowing you were still alive had my heart pounding a staccato in my chest. That's why I came rushing over to hug you in tears, not because of the boys or Thorin, but for the simple joy of the fact you were still alive. That's when I realized I loved you. I might have kissed you then if they hadn't have brought in Fili and Kili right then and Tauriel was working her magic to keep them alive. I don't know when exactly I fell in love with you, but that was when I realized I had.”

Bofur had no choice but to kiss the stuffing out of his hobbit after a declaration like that, no choice at all. “For me it was the trolls. There we were seconds away from certain death, I'm roasting on a spit, and you're prattling on about good seasonings for dwarves and then said 'skin them first!' out of the blue, and I knew you must have been thinking about what you wanted to do to the lads for getting us in this mess in the first place. It made me laugh, no one could hear me over their outrage, especially Dwalin saying he'd remember this, when really what would it matter when we were all about to be eaten? And I found the whole thing morbidly hilarious, and before I knew it we were free because you had kept them talking instead of eating, and I realized that you were more than you seemed, couldn't figure out why no one else seemed to see it though. But I watched you very closely after that, and you kept surprising us and saving us, and you had my heart in your hand.”

“It was stupid of us to have taken so long.” Bilbo huffed, curling up tighter in Bofur's arms.

“Absolutely ridiculous. We'll just have to make up for lost time.”

“Let's start now then.” Bilbo murmured, climbing astride Bofur's hips and canting them just so before he leaned forward and kissed Bofur deeply. Bofur was never one to pass up such an opportunity, and he didn't start now.

 

The fact the company had agreed not to tell anyone about their relationship until Bofur and Bilbo were ready to, made Bilbo feel worlds better. He didn't want to deal with the same misery that he'd gone through with Thorin. And because he didn't have to be guarded around the company anymore, he relaxed.

Bilbo lost his shyness around Bofur entirely, because of how good Bofur made him feel about himself. To that end, he got bold to the point that one night, six months after they had gotten together, Bilbo made dinner, and wore a certain little outfit under his dressing gown, that he had purchased that afternoon, and would have never considered wearing for any reason, until Bofur had told him how good it would look on him.

When Bofur came home, and had had his roast, potatoes, and ale, he finally realized that Bilbo wasn't still dressed for the day.

“Was I home late? He asked, he hadn't meant to be.

“No, not at all. I just, felt like getting dressed for bed a bit early today.” Bilbo said with a smile.

Bofur could catch that hint loud and clear, and tugged Bilbo closer to him. “Oh? That sounds comfortable.”

“Far more comfortable than I thought actually.”

“Oh really?” Bofur asked, fingers tugging the belt open, and then catching his breath as deep green silk and velvet and black embroidery was found to be caressing that pale creamy skin. Bilbo smirked at how dark the look Bofur had now was.

“I was wondering if it was true or not.” Bilbo said with just a hint of mischief.

“What's that?”

Bilbo drew closer, pushing Bofur's jacket off of his shoulders and rucking the dwarf's shirt up out of his trousers.

“Oh, something about someone seeing this on me and then wanting nothing more than to rip it off of me with their teeth.”

Bofur was on his feet and going for a kiss right as Bilbo pounced, Bofur caught his hobbit and ground harshly into those open thighs as those legs locked around him as their mouths met, causing Bilbo to gasp, and not care that he was being laid out on the table.

“Only one way to find out.” Bofur all but growled right before Bilbo demanded his own kiss. 

They somehow did make it to the bedroom. Eventually. Several hours later. The outfit however did not survive the night. Bilbo didn't mind in the slightest, he managed to salvage several pieces of the fabric as patches for the dressing gown he was making Bofur for his birthday present.

Once they had been together a year, they decided to tell others beyond the company. People who had ignored Bofur or found him too common or too crass, wondered what the hobbit, former consort to the king, saw in the lowbrow miner. They were an odd couple to be sure, but Bilbo didn't mind, and neither did Bofur. They were happy together, and that's what mattered.


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin knew all of the reasons why it was a bad idea to court Ori. Ori was the same age as his nephews, Ori was shy and hated the spotlight, Ori had two very capable older brothers who would most likely eviscerate him. Ori might not even want him, he'd seen him looking at Dwalin lately, and that just made his heart clench, the thought of losing Ori to his cousin. 

But he also knew why he'd try and court Ori anyway. He loved him, completely. He was quick, smart, clever, and didn't necessarily need a weapon to win a fight. Ori was stronger than he looked, as strong as Dori. He was experienced with politics, his smile was gentle and warm and always sent the butterflies fluttering around Thorin's stomach. The things he'd knitted for Thorin as presents over the years, were things Thorin treasured. Tonight he was wearing the Durin blue jumper he'd received last Durin's day. It was the softest knitted thing he'd ever felt, and couldn't stop touching it around the cuff, admiring the weave and how thin the thread had been that Ori had used. The time and effort that went into such a gift was substantial. He hoped the gift he had prepared would be well received. It had been hard not to be too extravagant, he had to remind himself that there could be other gifts, if this one was welcomed.

The three 'Ri brothers were coming to dinner tonight, and Thorin was a bundle of nerves. A few hours before hand there was a knock at his chamber doors. Dwalin was announced, all gruff and imposing, Strange, he thought Dwalin had gone to the Iron Hills, why was he back so soon?

“Just thought yeh should know, there's two more fer dinner tonight, so yeh aren't left with too little food. Oh, an' I took care of yer problem for yeh. Yeh just worry about Ori, an' making a good impression with him, the rest's covered.”

“What did you do?”

“It's covered. See yeh later.”

Somehow having Dwalin's support was actually very reassuring. It went a long way in relaxing the tight ball of tension in his gut. He wore no raiments, no crown, or even a circlet. Just a simple tunic, trousers, and the soft jumper that Ori had made for him. He wasn't a king here, he was just Thorin. Just Thorin. 

When his guests arrived in his quarters, the nerves settled even more. Dori had a little one of no more than six or seven perched on his hip, gumming her fists among a halo of strawberry blond curls, and Dwalin had Nori's hand on his arm, who was blushing just a bit. Ori was on his own and fidgeting with the hem of his jumper once he saw what Thorin was wearing. 

Dori was the first to pipe up, gradually depositing various satchels, and settling the babe firmer on his hip. “Hello Thorin, sorry about the extra people last minute. This is Fiori our third cousin on our mother's side. Arrived four days ago. Her mother died in childbirth, and her father was lost in a cave in in the Iron Hills five years ago. She's been living with those horrible Bor cousins of ours for the past three years, unwanted, and living with six other children in one room! Can you believe it? When Dwalin found out who she was he went and fetched her for me, and they were all too happy to hand her over immediately. No 'Ri will ever live with a Bor on my watch, will they love? Will they? No they won't!” The little girl giggled and shrieked in happiness, patting Dori's face as he tickled her with his beard and kissed her plump rosie cheeks.

Thorin was suppressing a chuckle of his own, he'd never seen Dori so carefree and smitten. Apparently little ones were the way to Dori's heart.

“It's never an imposition. And Nori, I see a familiar face with you.”

Nori actually blushed. “Yeah, well what can I say, the big oaf grows on ya. We started courting last month, hadn't felt right to tell anyone yet, until now.”

“I wish you all the happiness in the world. I already consider you my kinsman through trial and combat, so I look forward to having you as my kinsman through marriage someday if it works out for you, and I hope it does.”

Thorin turned to Ori. “Hello Ori, it's good to see you again.”

“It's good to see you again too Your Majes-”

And Thorin felt himself wince unintentionally. He didn't want it to hurt to have Ori call him by his title, but he was trying SO hard to not be that person right now. Just Thorin. To Ori he just wanted to be Thorin. Like the rest of the company was, none of the others were ever formal with him unless they were addressing him officially in court or a meeting.

“I- I mean Thorin. Thank you for inviting us over.”

Thorin blinked in surprise, and the happy butterflies were back. “Y-you're welcome. Please everyone sit, make yourselves at home. And don't worry, I didn't attempt to cook, you're my friends, I wouldn't do that to you. Bombur and Bilbo made this feast together.”

Thorin would never know it, but the peaceful atmosphere was entirely Dwalin's doing.

A bit more than a week earlier, Dwalin had been bedding Nori quite enthusiastically, until the former thief was all but boneless in his hold. He let his finger's trail over Nori's back as they basked in the afterglow. 

“Thorin's goin' to ask Ori, I helped him pick out the first courting gift myself. I want yer promise that yeh'll behave yerself.”

“He's still an old poncy nob, Ori's too young for him.” Nori drawled into Dwalin's shoulder, melting even more into the gentle petting.

“That's Ori's decision, and ya know Thorin better than that. Why don't ya approve, really?”

“Power changes people, corrupts them, Ori's too innocent for that.”

“Again, Ori's decision if he can handle it or not. Promise me ya won't interfere.”

“I promise, long as you pound me into this mattress again as soon as you're able.”

“How about ya pound ME into the mattress until I recover, and then I'll return the favor? And I'll bed ya right before the dinner too, make sure yeh're far more focused on not sitting funny through dinner than with trying to cause trouble.”

“Deal.”

He had left the next morning, and four days ago, Dwalin had arrived back from the Iron Hills, wee one in tow, who after three days of hard travel, had finally gotten it in her head that Dwalin wasn't going to hurt her. He didn't generally like children, not when they were this small anyway and he still had to worry about accidentally breaking them. But it was a bad place, where she had been, and the Bors weren't getting out of prison any time soon after all of the dirt Dwalin had dug up on them. The other children had been doled out and taken in one by one into the homes of other relations, but Dwalin had insisted on taking Fiori to her kin in Erebor, no matter how much a rather tenacious aunt had wanted the child and was determined to make Dwalin's life a living nightmare if he refused. He had told no one about the enormous stipend he had paid the woman to shut her trap and never make contact again, and if he had it his way, no one ever would. Besides, he needed the child far more than she did, because Dori needed someone to fuss over, and since he was craft wed, that had always been his brothers, but now that Ori was grown, he had no one else to fuss over, so he was refusing to let go so Ori could grow up. Solution: Give him someone new to fuss over who couldn't protest.

“I'll be looking after Nori, and Thorin will look after Ori, but I need yeh to watch over Dori for me wee one, he doesn't do well alone. Yeh keep him happy, make him smile, and let him fuss over yeh, and I promise that when yeh've grown up, I'll make sure Dori sees sense when yeh're wanting to do things on yehr own, or get married. I promise to be on your side, alrigh'?” He had asked of her as they reached the gates of Erebor. She gummed her fist in response, which he took as a sign of agreement.

Dwalin had also taken Ori aside the day of the dinner, after he got back from seeing Thorin.

“He's gonna ask ya, tonight. So ya have ta make up yer mind if it's what yer wanting. But I'm begging ya, please, stop being formal with him in private. I can't bear to see him wince one more time Ori, it hurts.”

“Wince?”

“He winces whenever ya call him 'Your Majesty'. Haven't ya ever noticed? Probably because yer eyes are lowered. He views yeh as an equal whether yeh end up courting him or not. Call him Thorin, please? I'm begging ya.”

There was very little that Dwalin son of Fundin would not do for his kinsman and king, including buying distant infant relations, and begging a scribe a third his size.

As such, dinner was easygoing. Nori was much too distracted by Dwalin's hand tracing lazily on his thigh under the table to really much care that Ori was sitting beside Thorin, and Dori was busy feeding the baby, and in the most pleasant mood anyone could ever remember seeing him in. So Thorin had time to just talk to Ori, like they used to do on the trip, sitting around the campfire at night, just chatting, and it wasn't long before Ori finally relaxed fully.

After dinner and drinks, and a ban by Dori on any sort of smoking with the baby around, they were now seated comfortably, with Nori putting little braids in Dwalin's hair to try and embarrass him, and Dwalin ignoring it, staying in the conversation. Dori had gotten the wee one to sleep, and was fussing a bit to make sure she was comfortable enough, and her nappy was dry, and that she was neither too warm or too cold. Dwalin nodded at Thorin when his King caught his eye, it was now or never, he wasn't going to get them anymore calm and relaxed than this. He'd done all he couldm the rest was up to Thorin.

“Ori, I- we, have known each other for a very long time now, several years, and I'm proud to call you my friend and companion. But in that time, I have often wondered, if perhaps, you could see me as more? I'm not asking as a king, just as Thorin, will you accept this gift as a showing of how I feel for you, and my hopes that you will consider accepting a courting offer from me?”

The large box Ori unwrapped made him gasp. On one side was a fine wooden caligrapher's box, with five pens and four dozen of the finest nibs he'd ever seen. There were also sticks of ink, in black, blue, red, green, yellow, brown, and purple, a stack of thick creamy paper, and an empty leather book cover that was gorgeously tooled, to bind the pages into once he was done, the title areas still blank. The other half was filled with four lengths of basic knitting looms, Two finely spaced looms to use with fine threads, three round knitting looms, twelve sizes of needles, and a pair of connected needles that was long enough for a blanket. There were also twelve skiens of raw fiber. Two each of flax, angora, cashmere, cotton, wool, and one that was so unusual and rare he couldn't even identify it, along with a gorgeously carved wooden drop spindle. 

“It took awhile to get the spindle just right, the looms and needles were easier, though I never have worked with much wood. The leather tooling was something I have missed doing, and the nibs were a very interesting challenge, I enjoyed making those very much.”

Ori's jaw had dropped. “You, you MADE these? For ME?”

“Of course I did, the gifts with the most feeling are the ones made from the heart aren't they? I couldn't leave such an important gift to others.”

And everyone saw Ori melt. Inside, Dwalin was cheering, and at the same time he dragged his nails up the back of Nori''s head to keep him quiet. Dori finally caught on that Ori wasn't refusing, but seeing how happy Ori was as he crossed the room and hugged Thorin, pressing his forehead against the king's, and Thorin just gently holding Ori close, content and quiet and entirely proper, Dori decided to let it be. Ori could handle himself. 

“Yes, yes they are. Thank you Thorin, and yes, I'll accept a courting offer from you.” And no one protested when they kissed, because Ori had been the one to start it, so his brothers really had no room to complain, and really, thought Nori, Ori could do worse. King consort to the throne of Erebor, and a king who looked at him like he raised the stars in the sky. There wasn't much more they could hope for for their brother. 

“Yeh've been good long enough, come on, I'll give yeh that reward I promised.”

Nori smirked as he and Dwalin left quietly, and entered Dwalin's quarters across the hall. It was a lovely night, entirely worth behaving himself for.


	5. Epilogue

New caravans arrived in Erebor nearly daily, a strong trade route was essential to survival, and Erebor's gates had been open for over ten years now without conflict. When Garham saw the King's entourage in the market and the small little halfling holding his hand beside him, whom he looked upon so fondly with a gentle smile and great affection, he wondered if perhaps they were together. It certainly seemed so, to be so tactile in public was a rather blatant statement. Strange a match though it was, this was Erebor, not the Iron Hills, perhaps such things were allowed outside of the bedroom here, and the smiles on their faces showed just how much they cared for each other. But right then a petite little dwarf scribe came up and took the king's arm, and Thorin released the hobbit to turn and kiss the scribe fully for all to see. 

The halfling didn't seem put out, in fact he just held to the arm of the dwarf on his other side, who wore a very floppy hat that matched absolutely nothing of the rest of the finery he wore. And that dwarf had no qualms about kissing the halfling, or pinching his bottom for good measure. Perhaps the hobbit and king weren't together after all... unless of course, they were in an open marriage.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this bunny more than I should, but it was too cute and it wouldn't stop cuddling me damnit! >_


End file.
